Just Tired

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Have you ever woke up one day looked at your life and wonder why the hell am I even here? Well I have several times especially in these past few months. My life seems to going straight down and nothing I do seems to pull me out of this hole. I’m a 23 year going to school for nursing and I stay with my mother. I have been out looking for jobs filling out applications both online and in-store,talked to mangers but still not hired.

Why is it when I do the things I am suppose to do things seem harder?  I’m in school,have good morals and values,never engaged in any pre-martial sexually activity. I don’t drink,smoke,respect my elders etcetera, ecterera. So why is life kicking me in my ass? Is this suppose to be some sort of test? Or is the creator of mankind doing this for laughs because  its not funny. I wake up everyday trying to figure out what is it that I’m doing wrong and honestly sometimes I think about just ending it all but I never act upon those thoughts for two reasons, i’m not a fan of pain and I know there are people out there in the world that will miss me.

While writing this i can feel the tears trailing down my face. Sometimes I feel so lost that I truly do know what to do. I see my friends most have gradurated from a four year college,some are married and starting families and some are independent  and own their own. As i see them i then think maybe I’m missing something that I crave,it could be relationship at 23 i never had a boyfriend my main focus has been to finish school because i dont want to be another statistic of a single black mother. Another thing it could be is the love of a father, i have a dad but he really wasnt there growing up . Maybe it could be depression,i was bullied a lot from elementary  to high school because i didnt fit the stereotype of how a young black female should act or defending those who were picked on which didn’t  make me awesome in the eyes of the popular kids.

I just don’t know sometimes but I know many probably won’t read this but it was sonething I needed to get off my chest.

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3 thoughts on “Just Tired

  1. Listen. Killing yourself will NOT help in any way, shape or form. Just getting that out. First off, by my name im sure you know what i am. Second, im not sure if you are a believer or not. If you are a true believer then, i cant help you. My advice will only fall on deaf ears. However, if you have an open mind and willing, my advice may help. I dont declare that my advice is gold. You must forget god, any god that you believe in (if any). A god is immoral and will help add hostility and hatred in your heart. You must not think that everything you do is wrong. Or it makes your life harder. You must have a conscience a heart and good morals. No matter the situation, try do what you think is RIGHT not what people expect of you. You must not try to please anyone in life but yourself. If your choices upset someone, anyone, even your parents well, too bad. If your choices make you happy then you cant worry about who isnt happy with them. If your parents, friends, whoever, really love or care for you, they will stand by you and that will build a better foundation for you to stand on. Even if you stand alone for a while, it will make you stronger. Get knocked down, get up, dust off and keep moving. Theres no use in worrying about this life, none of us are getting out alive

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