Have you ever woke up one day looked at your life and wonder why the hell am I even here? Well I have several times especially in these past few months. My life seems to going straight down and nothing I do seems to pull me out of this hole. I’m a 23 year going to school for nursing and I stay with my mother. I have been out looking for jobs filling out applications both online and in-store,talked to mangers but still not hired.
Why is it when I do the things I am suppose to do things seem harder? I’m in school,have good morals and values,never engaged in any pre-martial sexually activity. I don’t drink,smoke,respect my elders etcetera, ecterera. So why is life kicking me in my ass? Is this suppose to be some sort of test? Or is the creator of mankind doing this for laughs because its not funny. I wake up everyday trying to figure out what is it that I’m doing wrong and honestly sometimes I think about just ending it all but I never act upon those thoughts for two reasons, i’m not a fan of pain and I know there are people out there in the world that will miss me.
While writing this i can feel the tears trailing down my face. Sometimes I feel so lost that I truly do know what to do. I see my friends most have gradurated from a four year college,some are married and starting families and some are independent and own their own. As i see them i then think maybe I’m missing something that I crave,it could be relationship at 23 i never had a boyfriend my main focus has been to finish school because i dont want to be another statistic of a single black mother. Another thing it could be is the love of a father, i have a dad but he really wasnt there growing up . Maybe it could be depression,i was bullied a lot from elementary to high school because i didnt fit the stereotype of how a young black female should act or defending those who were picked on which didn’t make me awesome in the eyes of the popular kids.
I just don’t know sometimes but I know many probably won’t read this but it was sonething I needed to get off my chest.